a wandering soul

2010, Adieu.

2010-12-31T12:49:00.002-05:00

It's been a comically long time since I posted anything, but it's the end of another year, so here I am. Leaving my thoughts to the internet, sending them into the nether reaches of cyberspace. I'm not even sure what I want to say. Maybe that's why I post so rarely.

2010 was pretty good to me. Nothing big initiated, but a lot of things continued and developed beautifully. It's been a year of trade-offs and give-and-take. I'm working a job I don't necessarily like, but it provides me opportunities I couldn't otherwise attain, and it's not hard or too time-consuming. I'm in a place I love surrounded by people who love me, but I miss a lot of friends who are far away. My social life leaves a lot to be desired, but then again I've always been sort of a semi-recluse. But I have an awesome dog and an amazing, beautiful girlfriend. Lots of family around and I live in Beer City USA. That can't hurt, right?

I took some fun trips with Megan this year. We camped in the snow at the beach, rafted in whitewater and were assaulted by manatees. We laid in the sun and splashed in the surf, spent some great times with family and friends, though those times always ended too soon. We ate some great food.

Subject change.
I've always had a restless spirit. I don't like to stay in the same place for too long. I tend to like variety and change and newness. My time in Black Mountain has been changing me, though. Megan has been changing me, planting my feet a little, so to speak. I'm happy here, though as I mentioned earlier I'm not really enjoying my job that much. I do like working in the restaurant industry, but it's just this particular incarnation that I don't like, I guess. Or maybe it's the B&B side of it I don't like. Possibly I would be happier if I didn't live on site. Whatever the reason, I'm not really certain what, I'd rather be doing something else. I've recently developed an interest in being a butcher. I'm gonna explore this a bit more, I don't think anyone I've told is nearly as excited about it as I am, but I think it could be something I would really get into. We'll see, I'm not even sure of how to go about it.

This entry ended up different than I intended when it started, but that's the way a lot of my life goes.

Goodbye, 2010. I'm leaving you very happy, all things considered. Spiritually I'm developing new thoughts and ideas that I'm quite excited about, and things are advancing wonderfully with Megan. What else do you suppose I could need?

Drunky

2009-03-20T10:37:00.003-04:00

Pink elephants are usually a sign you've been drinking a bit too much. But the BBC published a report here of a young calf in Africa, and it's pretty durn pink.

Cute little thing. Or maybe I'm just tipsy.

2009-01-17T12:41:00.002-05:00

Bit of change for the blog layout, added a picture to the header and changed my profile some. Every so often it's nice to switch things around. It's good for the soul.

I don't have a job anymore. It's going to be difficult to get a new one, too. Well, maybe not quite as hard as I'm making it seem, but I don't want just any job, and really I'd rather not have one than have one that I don't like. Doesn't seem worth it to me. Meanwhile, it's lucky I have some money left.

It's been cold for Knoxville the past few days. High 'teens a lot of days, but I hear we might break the freezing mark today. Neat-o. All this is really doing is making me wish I was in Colorado. Earlier this week there were slopestyle and halfpipe competitions on tv, and it really made me long to go skiing, even if just at Ober Gatlinburg. Sigh.

'09-in-Advance

2009-01-01T11:12:00.002-05:00

It's only fair to counter yesterday's review of 2008 with an introduction to 2009, so here goes. I can't predict the future yet, so I don't have a whole lot to share about what will actually happen. We get a new President in a couple weeks. Ostensibly that will bring big changes, but only time will tell.

This year I want to do a few things differently, add a couple habits to my life, and maybe delete some as well. I want to read more poetry. I want to practice more yoga. I'd like to get into rock climbing. I plan to worry less. I want to take more pictures. I hope to further develop my theology. I will write more. I want to practice my harmonica, and possibly buy a banjo. I want to make life better for others every day. I'll try to be a better friend and keep in touch with those I love and miss.

Happy New Year.

'08-in-Review

2008-12-31T11:34:00.003-05:00

Oy, what a year.

Hard to believe it's nearly the New Year again. Seems just yesterday we were auld lang syne-ing it up for 2007, and now '08 is passing us by. Been an eventful 365 days, eh? I know it has for me.

Started the year in Colorado with 50 feet of snow and the best slacker job ever. Moved home in April and got an apartment in Knoxvegas with Travis and Drew. Spent the summer moping around and getting seriously sucked into some wild conspiracy theories and other nonsense. I didn't actually have a job from April until November, so I burned through some major savings keeping myself alive and fed. Well, that and other expenses. Bought a motorcycle in late June I think it was, and enjoyed that for the summer, taking a few trips here and there and saving a good bit of money on gas prices that were frankly astronomical.

For much of the year, I was struggling mightily with existential and spiritual questions that would not let me be. I was incredibly lucky to have the resources to hash these out on my own time, and I ended up with answers that were even better than I could have imagined before. In August I had a life-changing spiritual experience that very likely will powerfully shape the rest of my life; I know it has affected the last 4 months in ways I still can hardly believe.

I met a girl this year. Sarah is wonderful. She grew up very differently than me and my conservative, sheltered childhood. She has a 7-year-old son to care for, and multiple tattoos, but she also has the most beautiful soul, even though she usually doesn't want you to know it. I think she is amazing.

Not having a job for 7 months, at 25 years old, was by turns wonderful and incredibly stressful. Expectations from the World Around Me had me believing I was shiftless, lazy, and incapable if I didn't have a job. My soul told me I shouldn't work if I didn't have to, so I was torn between the two sides for much of the year. 2008 was quite a learning experience, one I am very glad for having gone through, but also one I don't really want to experience again.

::edit:: All this and nothing about the 2008 craziness of the World Around Me? How could I forget? Economic crisis, the Olympics, presidential election cycle, war, scandal, triumph and defeat... This was certainly a year for the history books.

dream job

2008-11-15T01:15:00.003-05:00

I believe I found my dream job. Problem is, it's in San Francisco. Here is a link to the craigslist ad, ~~but it won't be there more than a week tops~~. It's a Grocery Specialist in Cheese Plus, a boutique grocery in Russian Hill. Damn. I just realized I'm not cool enough to work there. Still, I think it's badass.

::edit 11.30.08:: I got a job at American Eagle, so now I don't have to work in San Francisco. That's for the best, I think.

VOTE

2008-11-04T15:35:00.004-05:00

I voted.

No line, no hassles, no voting-machine error. Just a nice exercising of my civic duty and right.

Now we wait to see who wins, and what happens to our country once it's all over.

God help us. I hope we can all get along.

Times for Obama

2008-10-24T15:33:00.004-04:00

The New York Times Editorial board endorsed Barack Obama for president. Probably not much of a surprise to most, but all the same I thought their editorial announcing the endorsement was very well written. You can read it at nytimes.com, I think you need to register to be able to read editorials, though. Do it, it's free. Everyone should read the New York Times, anyway. It makes you smarter.

CERN and the Large Hadron Collider for Dummies

2008-09-07T15:50:00.003-04:00

God bless FoxNews.com and the London Daily Mail. Their asinine coverage of an extremely important experimental physics project makes us all just a little bit dumber. I'm not going any more than that into it, read those links if you're really interested in what I'm saying. No point in me rehashing it. Basically they're turning on a huge particle accelerator on Wednesday, and CERN thinks it will change physics as we know it, and Fox News thinks it will cause the world to blow up. No one thinks it will make ice cream.

Incidentally this YouTube video, made by someone who works at CERN, has some damn good rhymes, as well as giving you a decent understanding of the whole particle accelerator deal. In my opinion.

Hang loose.

Close this post at once! It's nothing but foma!

2008-09-02T00:39:00.002-04:00

In Cat's Cradle, Kurt Vonnegut wrote, "Peculiar travel suggestions are dancing lessons from God."

I'm not usually one to pick up my theology from satirical black humor novels, but that line resonates with me. I feel like it makes sense, explaining interaction with God in a beautifully poetic way. Following an odd or unusual invitation through to the end is a spectacular way to meet interesting new people, see beautiful places, and learn a lot about your self as well. In a different mindset, the "peculiar travel suggestions" could be mental or spiritual destinations. Allowing your self to follow a strange spiritual path for a time can open the soul to new horizons.

I'm not as good at this as I'd like, but I am learning. I am going to Portland, Oregon, in 3 weeks with Quentin and Chris. They're from Indianapolis. None of us are quite sure why we're going, other than a vague idea of scoping out a city we know mostly through pop culture folklore, and yet love it anyway.

Portland is a marvelous city, a haven for free spirits and those who like to live a little slower. Powell's Books is a Mecca for bibliophiles, or wannabes like me. Portland is like Seattle but with fewer assholes. It's our kind of place.

I should mention Chris, Quentin, and I are eerily alike in many ways. Who knows what to expect. Nothing, and everything.

Their invitation a week or so ago seemed at best a passing temptation, but nothing I seriously considered. A bit irresponsible, I thought, and that is unusual for me.

I was reading Cat's Cradle this week, and as soon as I read the above line I felt strangely compelled to go to Portland with my Hoosier brethren. My visit with them almost a month ago was a crucial rung on my ladder. This time I hope to be there for them, and to grow further myself. I truly love those guys as brothers.

Peace and love.

I Took Silver in Lacrosse

2008-08-25T01:12:00.004-04:00

Too much confusion in my head lately, but it's been too long and I wanted to put something down.

I enjoyed the Olympics more this time around than I think I ever have before. It was wonderful to watch all the displays of strength, speed, grace, and skill. Maybe it was all the Oreo and GE commercials celebrating peace and unity, but I have felt wonderfully at peace with the world these past two weeks or so.

We've had our air conditioning off for two or three weeks now, at least, but tonight is the first time I've wanted to turn it back on. I"m just sitting in my room typing and I'm dripping sweat. No fun.

That's about it. Oh, tomorrow I go to court in Sevierville for a ticket or four. Those traffic cops just can't take a joke.

foreign news is best...

2008-07-08T16:32:00.003-04:00

Saw a news piece about Ahmadinejad today, and I was quite taken back by two different interpretations in two separate news sources.

BBC's version: Iran Leader Plays Down War Talk

CNN's version: Iranian Military Warns US, Israel Against Attack

I suppose one shouldn't be surprised when reading two such widely varied news outlets, but I just can't help but wonder why CNN is trying to scare us all silly when BBC makes it seem like a simple warning. Are we supposed to believe that war is inevitable in Iran? I can't help but feel like we're being fooled into something we're not going to like.

Thoughts

2008-07-07T23:37:00.002-04:00

It's July already?

I bought a motorcycle. I'm pretty sure I set off a car alarm with the pipes today. That was exciting. I have a badass bike.

I've had my interest piqued in China, it's government, and their plans for the Olymics and beyond. I don't really think any of us knows a whole lot about China, except maybe this guy. His lectures make me think China is planning some big overhaul of its government and/or society, and I'm sort of scared to find out what that might involve. I don't think you can download his lectures, but if you get the chance you should listen to the first one at least, it's rather eye-opening.

Let me know your thoughts on China. With the Olympics looming so large this summer, I think we'll be hearing more about China than we thought we wanted to know, but I recommend paying attention. If/when China wins big at the Olympics this year, don't be surprised if we start seeing a lot more of them on the world stage. They're up-and-coming and ready to take their place as a world superpower.

The Continuing Saga of Apt. I-10

2008-03-11T18:41:00.002-04:00

It's hard to say what started it all. I think from the first time I met him, I wasn't a big fan. He's one of those people who rubs me the wrong way.
Maybe it was his habit of calling people "nig", a term i find very offensive, or perhaps it was the way he made himself right at home, without acknowledging his intrusion, or offering to make it right. Maybe I'm just too sensitive to invasion of my personal and living space, but it didn't start us off on the right foot.

I looked the other way when his week of staying on the couch inexplicably turned into three weeks, then more. I was pretty upset when he invited a few old friends (a creepy 50-something man among them) to stay overnight in our apartment, without asking permission of us. When he blatantly denied my request for him to leave, I was furious, but did nothing. After one rather late "house party" attended by several people I didn't really know, he stole my stash, jar and all. I knew it was him but couldn't get him to own up to it, so I did nothing. By this point I realized I had no experience dealing with this kind of brazen. I can't say I've ever had someone stand up to obvious distaste with such resolution.

After I realized direct confrontation (not my strongest skill by far) wasn't going to work, I swallowed my distaste for "telling" and went to our apartment complex head office. After explaining my situation, the girl behind the desk said she'd take care of it. They told him he'd have to leave, so he moved out most of his stuff but was still sleeping there that night. We had a bit of a run-in the next morning, but i had to go to work so it didn't actually get anywhere.

Hearing that he was still at the apartment (my boss had asked me how the situation was shaping up) the apartment office went to my place and escorted him off the property. Unbeknownst to me, they didn't keep a very sharp eye on him as he collected the last of his stuff.
When I got home that evening I was pleased to see him gone. I ate some food and settled down to relax for the evening. That's when I noticed I was missing a bottle of rum. I knew it should have been there, but for some reason it was gone. Immediately I suspected him, and I went around the apartment looking for other things he had taken. In the end I found that he had stolen my laptop, some headphones, a broken digital camera, cables, chargers, etc. It boggled my mind how one could be so stupid: I mean did he really think I wouldn't know it was him?
With this insane flavor of crazy showing up in the story, I took the obvious next step of filing a police report. I was at work all day, and at some point he borrowed my roommate's housekeys and returned my laptop and headphones, along with a few cables, but still has some of my stuff.

I can't express how much I want this kid to die.

To make matters much worse, for the past three nights he's decided to crash our place and hang out all evening. First night, I told him he couldn't stay over, and he got all indignant but went home at the end of the night. Next evening I was really tired and never actually encountered him, but he was asleep on my floor the next morning. I stewed over this all day, but being averse to confrontation did nothing about it. This was in fact yesterday, and he showed up that evening with several people, more to show up later. I and my roommates knew about one of these people, so we weren't too excited about him throwing impromptu gatherings at our place. There was a birthday party that evening we were all going to, and when I showed up he was already there. My friend and party host wasn't too excited about the kid being there, so proceeded to kick him out. This pleased many people at the party immensely.

After this he tried to get back into our place, asking all my roommates to let him in. I had previously talked to them and we decided not to let him in, but of course when I got home he's in my kitchen grilling something with the George Foreman. I stood for five minutes eyeing him while he pretended not to notice me. I gave him an ultimatum: give back my stuff, and get out of my house. No choice; I was tired of dealing with him. When he flat refused, I snapped and grabbed him and threw him at the door. My roommates pulled me off of him as he cowered behind the couch. It was so great seeing the fear I put in his eyes and his pleading looks at my roommies to back him up, and not getting anything. I told him to leave, never come back, and to bring back my stuff he still has, as well as paying me for the alcohol and weed he took. He sulked away, and some guy from downstairs came up because he'd heard the noise. I was straight screaming at the kid.

I can promise if he comes back he'll get something broken. I can't stand that bastard.

Snowmelt and Cynicism

2008-02-18T19:00:00.003-05:00

The snow is beginning to melt.

Oh, you can't really see it at first. When starting with feet of snow, it certainly doesn't all go away with a few days of above-zero temperatures. Still, for those of us who have been here for the whole season and seen the white stuff pile up, it becomes like that squeak in the fourth step to the basement: you try to avoid it but it's basically inevitable, so you just put up with it, and soon it's hardly noticeable. But were it to be quieter, or go away completely, and you would know immediately. Walking on the 10 inches of ice compacted on the sidewalks of Timber Ridge (my crappy apartment complex) I see a definite reduction in the snow settled off to the side. Exciting.

I find that I have trouble hiding my contempt for ideas, jobs, or people that I find pointless, offensive, or unproductive. I always hated busywork in school, and I don't tolerate well people I sense are inept or just stupid. This is a major character flaw I know I have, as anyone who knows me well has probably been "privileged" to experience at least once. I guess it's something I should work on improving, but anyone who knows me will also know that it's about as likely as my sprouting a third arm. I just mean that I'm lazy and not terribly effective when it comes to self improvement.
I say this only to raise the point that Vail is full of these sorts of ideas, jobs, and people. Case in point: the other day after shutting down a lift, my team leader decided we should move a ginormous pile of snow for purely aesthetic reasons. Now I understand that it's part of my job, but it just didn't settle well on my Importance to Life Scale. My cynical side is steadily growing and consuming any optimism I may have harbored, so just as fair warning to any loved ones, I'll probably hate just about everything when I see you again. Please just remember I still like you.

Free Wi-Fi!

2008-02-11T23:51:00.000-05:00

It's been way too long.

I'm writing this in my apartment right now, which may not seem all that exciting, unless you know that I haven't had internet access for like 3 months. Tonight I happened to find an open wireless network, for free, which is always preferable to actually paying for it. Usually I've been going to the library, which offers free wireless. That's nice and all, but it's a lot better to get it in your own home. I'm excited.

I'm also stoked about my new camera that came today. I've missed being able to take photos since my old camera gave up the ghost something like 2 months ago. Sad that it took me so long to get a new one, but now i'm set and ready to take tons of great shots. Life's definitely getting better, if only in the photography department.

It's finally starting to be not completely freezing here. January was an epic month, with near-record amounts of snow and dreadfully cold temperatures. Now into February we're hopeful that the snow will continue (at least a little) but the temps will ease up a bit. I can only take so much sub-zero weather. It's funny how 30 degrees can feel downright warm when you're used to the low teens.

In other news, my apartment has just turned into the party pad. Should be a fun night...hopefully. The main event seems to be beer pong, which I'm only borderline interested in. Oh well--off to get drizzunk.

musings

2007-11-30T19:40:00.000-05:00

Hard to believe that tomorrow is the first day of December, though to be fair the couple of inches of snow we have on the ground outside makes it a bit easier.

Vail's starting to feel a bit more comfortable. When I first got here over two weeks ago I wasn't sure I'd ever figure this place out. Now I'm starting to feel like a local. Well, that might be a stretch, but it really is surprising how much things change in a few weeks.

One of the things I'm enjoying most about this place, after the skiing and the gorgeous scenery, are the fascinating conversations I'm often involved in, or which I overhear (read: eavesdrop). There are so many people here from so many different areas of the country (and world) that our integration makes for some fascinating interaction. I love watching people, and I find that I often can see beneath their facades and get a glimpse of their uncertainties, backgrounds, and private beliefs. It's quite spectacular, in a voyeuristic way.

The library closes in 15 minutes, so I'll need to wrap up. The roommates and I are talking about getting internet access at the apartment, which would be nice so I don't have to trek to the library to check my email. I'll feel a lot better about it when I have some money coming in. I don't think I get paid until Wednesday.

Be good, everyone. I'm trying to do the same.

the glow of headlights

2007-11-15T00:19:00.000-05:00

I light up a joint as I merge back onto 70. Manhattan is 10 miles north of the interstate, but I had been craving Chipotle all day, ever since I saw a few billboards east of Kansas City, and it was the first I'd been able to find. Manhattan, Kansas, is the quintessential college town. Home of Kansas State University, one of the first public land grant colleges in the nation, it has little to claim besides the school. Still, I enjoyed its small college-town charm. There's an innocence to it that is very endearing.

Towns in Kansas are the definition of Everywhere, USA. They seem to have few regional distictions, and all Kansans (in my experience) have a Midwestern lack of accent. If like Dorothy you were magically dropped in the middle of town by a twister (quite possible in Kansas) it might take some time to determine where you in fact were.

Cruising down the highway the weed does its magic, and my mind flies coherently in a hundred directions at once. Well-selected music accompanies my drive, and I settle into a comfortable high. Thoughts of work, future, and friends collide with passing thoughts on the scenery, muses about fellow travelers, and sheer awe at the vast nothingness that is Kansas.

Western Kansas is a great place to leave. The rolling hills of Selina provide something to look at in the daytime, but they soon give way to a desperate flatness stretching as far as you can see, and then beyond that. Kansas is home to some of the most ecclectic and nostalgic museums you'll find in these United States. (The Museum of Independent Telephony is, as you might guess, dedicated to early rural phone service. It just gets more unusual from there.) It gives one the idea that these people are grasping for relevance. Their agricultural production is a crucial part of our lives, yet they are conveniently ignored and their state is treated, by me at least, as a necessary stepping stone to Colorado and the Wondrous West beyond. Their kitchy museums, islands of civilization surrounded by miles and miles of nothing, are something of a last-ditch effort to retain a connection to the rest of us. If it weren't for that, their existence might be forgotten completely.

My buzz begins to fade as the sun slips toward the horizon. The vast amount of sky above and around me darkens quickly, but the sun setting directiy in front of me brings on a great feeling of reassurance. Like an old western movie cowboy, I ride quietly into the sunset, confidently moving on to the next chapter in my life. I light a cigarette I bought this morning and turn up the music. I'm trying to quit but something about smoking on long trips soothes me. The sun is completely down now, and the stars are spectacular. As the miles tick by an immense blackness has settled itself around me. My headlights form a glowing semicircle that is my world. Points of light appear ex nihilo, grow steadily and eventually take the ghostly forms of cars and trucks. They speed by and then disappear in the same way, their existence no longer my concern. It is easy to slip into your own world here. A shooting star falls, right in front of me, burning brightly for three or four seconds. I make a wish, hoping with everything I have that it comes true.

It's been a beautiful day.

colorado

2007-11-13T01:46:00.000-05:00

So, in the morning i leave to travel to colorado. It's very far away. I don't know if I'm ready for this, but I pretty much have to be. Cause I'm leaving and can't really back out now. Actually, who am I kidding, I'm really excited about this. I just hope I don't miss everyone in Tennessee too much. You all have no excuse to come visit. Seriously.

Parting is such sweet sorrow. I'll see ;you all in like 5 or 6 months. Or you could come visit. That'd be awesome.

whiny blog

2007-10-03T16:13:00.000-04:00

I'm blogging in a coffee shop. How cliche is that?

Well, it's been a terribly long time since I've written down my life. There's a reason for that; let me explain.

My life sucks, and nothing all that exciting ever really happens. Don't get me wrong, I mean I do stuff, and I go places, and things do happen to me, but I guess it's just easier for me to not blog. But dammit, I feel like I'm failing as a wannabe alternative hippie if I don't write down everything that I do or that happens to me. Cause let's be honest, who doesn't want to know all about my life?

Monday I got a speeding ticket. I think the cop might have exaggerated my speed a bit, though. I don't believe I was going as fast as he said. But anyway now I have to go to court so the judge can tell me how much to pay for my ticket. That sucks, you know? It isn't until December, so if I really was considering moving to Colorado, I won't be able to go until at least the 5th.

Speaking of which...I'm kinda considering not going to Colorado now. It's so rediculously hard to decide EVER what I want to do, but part of me is thinking maybe I'd be just as happy (or maybe happier) staying in the southeast. I think Knoxville is very good for me, and I wouldn't really lose out on much sticking around here. We'll see what happens, of course, but I gotta say that the more I think about getting a place and working in K-town a while longer (my original plan...well, original as of a few months ago) might just be the ticket to figuring out my life. Why go all the way out West when I can stay here with established friends and contacts and enjoyable activities and family, and be just as satisfied?

Maybe I'm just getting cold feet, who knows. Maybe the prospect of fun and freedom with a whole new scene just sounds too good to be true, and I'm scared to leave the familiar. I don't know. What I do know is that there are a lot of reasons I'd love to go, but a lot of reasons I'm not sure I want to leave.

I hate my indecision.

bonnaroo!

2007-06-19T14:45:00.001-04:00

Well. So Bonnaroo was spectacular. I mean, I just have to say, it may have been the best weekend of my life. So many great bands and so much great culture around me. I really loved the vibe of the festival. No one got mad about anything, and everyone was in such a great mood and really wanted each other to have a great time. The whole thing was just so chill. If next year's lineup is anything halfway decent, I'll be there for sure.

Course I lost my job to be there, so now I'll be looking for something else. It's just as well though, I didn't really want to be working there any longer anyway.

I suppose we all de-evolve sometimes...

2007-05-31T02:38:00.000-04:00

Hey? Remember when I used to occasionally write halfway decent stuff? I wish I still did that. Seriously, I thought for a while there I actually had something interesting to say every now and then. Now I'm pretty certain that my thoughts rarely rise above "damn I need a beer." And besides, even if I did have original or even slightly entertaining thoughts, I never write them down.

I don't know that I like that. Here's to changing it.

Settled?

2007-05-13T02:56:00.000-04:00

Wow. So can I just tell you that reading this blog is no way to determine what is going on in my life at any one time.

I had this beautiful idea that I'd maybe be really prolific in here, but of course that never works out. My last post was over a month ago, and of course things change. Never all at once, mind you, but gradually and over time. Different circumstances come up, plans change, priorities get rearranged. I got a job. The weather has settled into a more normal spring-like cycle. The family in NC is calming down a bit, into a more domestic, tranquil lifestyle, what with buying a house and all. I feel better for them now.

I can't say that everything's resolved, but I really feel less trapped and terrified than I did a month ago. I've had some fun times, and I have an actual schedule now, with the job. The shed is treating me well, and for the time being, life is pretty decent.

I'm settled. We'll see how long that lasts.

Escape Plans

2007-04-03T01:08:00.000-04:00

I guess I just don't fit in.

I really am starting to wonder if I'm cut out for "normal" society. Maybe it's just the people I'm around right now. Whatever it is, something is really bugging me lately. Do I need more excitement and adventure and change than the next person? Am I just that much more restless and wandering in my nature, that I can't be happy in one place for very long? Maybe I'm just spoiled. Too long with no real responsibilities or demands on myself; it's turned me into a shiftless bum. That might be it.

It really makes me think, though. In history we read of men (and women) who just don't seem to be comfortable settling down and "being normal." You know, the job-house-church-kids-retirement-death routine that everyone seems to be just fine resigning themselves to following. Scares the shit out of me. I couldn't do that. Of course, I don't know what I could do, but that is beside the point.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I'm really hating what I'm doing right now, and in my head the answer is to change my surroundings. This talk with Miles and Carol about renting some place...I don't think I can go through with it. I would go absolutely crazy. Don't get me wrong, I love both of them...most of the time. And I really enjoy Knoxville...usually. But my friends all just feel so, I don't know, boring lately. I'm getting that itchy-feet longing for something new, something exciting. Knoxville is far from exciting right now.

I gotta get out of here.

Running with Guilt Trips

2007-01-31T23:58:00.000-05:00

Time for the latest installment of "The Movie Nazi"!

Today we're reviewing Running with Scissors, a film soon to be released on DVD. It stars Annette Benning, Brian Cox, Alec Baldwin, and a few other people I can't remember. It's all about a really fucked up family and the mom's therapist who really screws them up even worse. Good fun.

The movie was good i guess, but I didn't really get a whole lot out of it. i'm not sure what I was supposed to feel, but mostly it just made me feel worse than I already do. I hate stories that make you feel worse for feeling bad for yourself. Seriously, how am I supposed to hate my life when I see the story of someone else who definitely has it a lot worse?

I guess in a way it's a bit therapeutic, but really, I'd just as soon continue wallowing in my self-pity and despair and not have such things rubbed in my face. That's all I'm saying.

-[the movie nazi]

A Visit with Family

2007-01-28T13:57:00.000-05:00

This weekend (Friday-Saturday) I went to North Carolina to visit my family and help them move some stuff out of a storage facility. It was nice and all, since I hadn't seen them in three weeks or so. Always good to spend time with the fam, right? But I realized a few things. I haven't really done much in the past few weeks that I can actually tell my parents about. That's kinda weird for me. I also discovered that visiting my family isn't like it used to be anymore. It used to feel like going home, but now it's strange and unfamiliar. I know it's because I'm starting my own life, becoming much more independent, but it's a weird feeling to see how you're becoming a different person. I just don't fit in anymore. But you know what? It doesn't really bother me.

Burnout?

2007-01-22T15:29:00.000-05:00

It feels a bit sacreligious to say this, but I haven't been all that impressed with Toothpaste For Dinner lately. By which I mean it isn't making me laugh as much as usual. I wonder if Drew is getting burned out?

That's all.

hello old friend

2007-01-14T21:26:00.000-05:00

You guys. Wow. It's been so rediculously long since I posted that I'm not even going to pretend to update you on the past what, 4 months?? Jeez. Let's just say that life has been aight, and leave it at that. Cause you know, it hasn't all been okay, but overall I can't really complain.

Course now I don't feel like writing anything. Deal.

Changes.

2006-10-26T22:06:00.000-04:00

So tomorrow (if I get everything packed up in time) I'm moving to Tennessee. This is something I've been waiting for and thinking about for a long time. Not moving to Tennessee, specifically, though I'm excited about that. What I've been anticipating more is being out "on my own", taking care of myself and not feeling like I have to conform to the desires and feelings of others. That's not entirely bad, of course, but all I'm saying is it's high time for me to get out of here. I love my family, and they've been great to be around, but it's definitely time for me to do my own thing.

I've been living on my own in my head for a while now. I mean that every time I'm frustrated by having to be under someone else's house rules, etc., I think how much cooler it would be to live out by myself. I have no illusions that it will all be peaches and cream, nor do I think everything will work out perfectly. I'm sure I will have to work hard to support myself, to maintain a lifestyle that I feel comfortable with, and to pay for my car. I know this. But I'm excited.

At the same time, I'm feeling a little nervous. What if it doesn't all work out? What if I can't make it on my own? What if I can't find a good job, or a decent (hell, any) apartment? What if it's hard making new friends, and I'm alone a lot? Obviously these are all thoughts that have been on my mind. But I won't let myself second guess it this time. That always happens, but this time I'm staying. This time I will make it work, and I will succeed. For sure.

At least I hope so...

Dance Dance Revolution

2006-10-25T02:00:00.000-04:00

Do yourself a favor, and watch this. You'll thank me for it later.

She's a crazy one, that girl.

Fall is Pretty

2006-10-24T02:54:00.000-04:00

Well I just got back from North Carolina. Sort of a random spur-of-the-moment trip; my parents are trying to buy this inn and we went to go check it out. Also looked at some houses. Fun times.

North Carolina is really beautiful this time of year. I mean it's always pretty nice but OH MAN in the fall the mountains are absolutely gorgeous. I'm a huge fan of that area to begin with, the Smokie/Blue Ridge Mountains, but with a pretty coat of autumn paint on the leaves, it's just breathtaking.

Okay. Nothing much else really. Just wanted to post, cause i get tired of not posting. OH, an update: I missed The Office again last Thursday. My life is on the edge of oblivion. Just teetering there.

OH the Humanity!

2006-10-12T21:17:00.000-04:00

Boy, the hits just keep coming, don't they? Tonight I completely spaced out and missed The Office at 7:30. That's like my favorite show.

I wasn't even doing anything important, either. I was looking at Facebook pictures. I might have been a little less upset had I a better excuse, but no.
Oh well.

I had a yard sale this weekend.

2006-10-07T12:42:00.000-04:00

I wish I had more to say.

UPDATE, Mothafucka!

2006-10-04T23:50:00.000-04:00

Man I never post in this thing. What's the point of having a blog that I don't update?

So here's an update.
I'm not in Florida anymore. I'm in Indiana and my parents lost their jobs so they are buying a bed & breakfast and my grandparents' house burned down and I was going to move to Seattle but now I think I'm moving to Knoxville and I like pickles.

That's about all that's going on in my life. It's really kind of uneventful, actually.

And now, a slightly-relevant comic from the ever-humorous Toothpaste For Dinner:

toothpastefordinner.com

dangit

2006-09-13T17:49:00.000-04:00

They discontinued my favorite toothbrush. This is a sad day.

Fish Food

2006-08-20T08:13:00.000-04:00

They found a dead guy on the beach this morning.

I wasn't more than 50 feet away from him, watching the sun rise.

Somehow, I didn't see him. I was too focused on taking pointless, silly pictures of the sunrise, myself, little pieces of driftwood--completely cocooned in my own little world. I even caught a picture of him, accidentally.

The thing is, after thinking about it, I realized I did see him. I saw a guy lying face down, sprawled unnaturally in some seaweed. I remember saying to myself, "Jeez, that's a weird way to watch the sun rise," and then in the next beat I forgot about him completely. The man certainly looked out of place. There was obviously something not right, but I ignored it and went on about my own business.

I spent probably half an hour within 50 feet of a dead man, noticed him, wondered what was going on, yet did absolutely nothing. Maybe my response to him wouldn't have had any effect. For all I know the police had already been called on him by the time I arrived at the beach, but maybe not. There was a mom and her son playing in the water closer to him than I was, and they didn't seem to notice him, either. From what the EMT said to me, there wouldn't have been anything I could have done for the guy, even if I'd wanted to. But it still gets to me that I ignored him.

Why didn't I at least check to see if the man lying facedown in the sand was alright? Maybe he was simply passed out from too much revelry the night before; if so, I'm sure he would rather be sleeping in a bed somewhere than among the driftwood. He could have been having a heart attack, and maybe I could have helped. But I ignored him, and got some pretty pictures instead.

Are we so isolated as a society that we don't notice each other anymore? They tell young women that it's better to yell "Fire" than "Rape", because bystanders are more likely to respond to flames than to one girl getting abused. We walk through crowds all day long and never see a face, sometimes. I know that every so often I like to imagine myself as outgoing. But more often than not I find myself ignoring the dead guys, looking the other direction as I make my way through life. Am I afraid to open myself to new relationships or awkward social encounters? Do I feel my time is too important to waste making sure the woman in the street is having a good day, or the man in the elevator is doing well? Jesus said his second most important command is to love our neighbors the way we love ourselves. I certainly didn't do that today.

Finding the man on the beach today wouldn't have done anything more than get my name in a police report. I couldn't have saved him, but who else might I have missed?

Flo-to-the-rida

2006-08-18T21:05:00.000-04:00

Dammit, how do I get people to like my blog?

So I'm in Florida, checking out the vibe. I don't even know what that means, I just thought it sounded good. I am really in Florida, though. It's a pretty cool place, I might stay here a while.

I got some sort of corneal ulcer the other day, then there was this bacterial infection...my eye's pretty f-ed up. But I went to the doctor and spent a shitload of money, and now it's sorta kinda getting better. *sigh* I wish I had health insurance. I still don't even know how I hurt my eye. Weird.

As you can probably tell there isn't much going on in my life right now. Sucks.

Semper Fi, bitches!

2006-08-08T21:59:00.000-04:00

www.toothpastefordinner.com

If you don't read Toothpaste for Dinner on a daily basis, you're a wicked, wicked person. I am a huge fan, but the main reason I'm linking to it is because the guy who writes it, Drew, told me to. And I listen. And I'm hoping he'll blog about my blogging his blog about blogging his blog(this could go forever). I know that he's a cool guy, mostly based on the fact that we have the same name, and also his sense of humor is so great. Go read TFD every day!

This afternoon I decided to go to a movie. Nothing really grabbed my attention, so I figured I'd check out Talladega Nights, Will Ferrell's new one. I was a little hesitant, mostly because of all the advertising and corporate tie-ins it's had over the last several weeks. That's definitely on the List of Stuff That Pisses Me Off.

Anyway, I got to the theatre like 5 minutes after it was going to start. I figured the previews would cover me. The guy behind the counter was real friendly, asking me if I was in the Marines (I was wearing my Salvation Army Marines t-shirt from like 1980). I thought about playing along, because he said he was in the Air Force. I said no (I don't look like a marine, do I?) but he gave me some kind of serious discount anyway, cause I got in for free. Totally awesome. He might have been just hitting on me (I didn't ask if they have a serviceman's discount or anything), but hey, free movie! I didn't care. Oh, and the movie was a lot better than I expected, too. Great characters and nothing too overly rediculous. Also pretty f-ing funny. Go see it!

Riiight...

2006-08-07T21:33:00.000-04:00

File this under "Things That No One Really Believes."

LONDON, England (AP) -- Paris Hilton says she is sick of boyfriends and is celibate. "I'm not having sex for a year. ... I'll kiss, but nothing else," says Hilton, who told the magazine she has had sex with only two men during her lifetime.

Now I'm not calling Paris Hilton a slut, but I do find this incredibly hard to believe. Not that celibacy is too difficult; I know many 25-year-olds who have never had sex. I'm just hesitant to believe that she's capable of it. I've never seen her sex tape, but in my mind, if you make a sex tape, you're pretty freaky. Even if she didn't know the tape was being made (which is possible; she is pretty dumb), I still doubt she's only been with two men, or that this celibacy will last more than, oh I don't know, two days.

But who am I to judge, right? Good luck, Paris.

A Quandry of Faith

2006-08-06T23:52:00.000-04:00

I'm discovering that when I spend a lot of time alone, I become this pseudo-philosophical crazy man. It's really quite impressive (or scary, depending on how you look at it), the various thoughts and ideas that go through my head. It seems as though my worldview changes daily. And it isn't as though I've been all that solid on my opinions and beliefs in the past...well, year-plus. I really don't know who I am right now.

I have this desire to make an impression on the world around me. I want to do something that will make a difference. I see so much suffering, pain, and hatred in the world, and I feel like I should try to do something about it. The problem is, I feel almost powerless to change anything, and I can't begin to fathom where to start.

There's more to my problem, though. The thought processes that make me think I can't possibly make a difference eventually lead to apathy: since I can't change anything, why should I even care? This is definitely not the attitude I want, though. But the overwhelming misery and maliciousness in the world cause me to curl up in the fetal position and suck my thumb, if only metaphorically.

My struggle is only compounded by my doubts and mistrust of the Church, and Christianity. I have so many questions that, unfortunately, I already know the "answers" to. Bible college showed me all the right words to say, but I never learned what to do if I was the one with the questions. Convincing yourself of something, without feeling like a fake or a liar, is one of the hardest things to do.

There is so much more to the world than what we see at face value. There are always two sides to every argument. Nothing is completely certain.

Yes, Virginia...

2006-08-02T08:38:00.000-04:00

So I'm in Virginia right now, about 45 miles from D.C. I'm housesitting for my aunt and uncle while they visit my cousin who just graduated from basic training. I'm here to take care of their two Bernese Mountain Dogs, Tessa and Tori. These dogs are rediculously spoiled, so I have a big list of things to do for them. It's not too bad though, just a ~~little~~ lot boring at times.

After I'm done here, I'm off to Florida, or more specifically, Cocoa Beach, where my grandparents live. I'm gonna stay with them for a little bit while I'm looking for a job in Orlando. When Billy (my new roommate) gets down there we'll look for apartments too. I guess I really have only a few weeks left of joblessness, so I'd better enjoy it while I can.

I plan to.

a new direction

2006-07-25T17:10:00.000-04:00

It's been a tough couple months.

A quick synopsis of my life in the past 8 months: I quit school in December after 4 1/2 fruitless years studying a variety of subjects, none of which I will be using in the near future. I spent three miserable months at home agonizing over the next step in my life: would I move to a new city? travel around the world? go back to school? get a job and live in my hometown the rest of my pitiful life?

Finally in March I settled on a driving tour of the West. Two months later, I returned with little or no new resolve, but lots of amazing pictures and a new understanding of myself. Through a series of disappointments and closed doors, however, any big plans I made continued to fall flat, and I was left with the prospect of spending yet another pointless summer at home. It seemed the next step was always just out of reach, teasing and taunting me. Finally, in mid-July, plans started to come together that made a decisive direction seem possible.

Now I'm moving to Florida in 2 weeks. I don't know what I'll be doing there, or where I'll live, exactly, but I haven't felt this excited or this free for months. I have plans and a definite destination.

It's been a while.